I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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