I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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