You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
