So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
