i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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