I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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