Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
