Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
