Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
