nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
