Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize