if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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