you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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