Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
