I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
