I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
