They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
