Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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