Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize