Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
