It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
