my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
