I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
