How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
