He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
