her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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