How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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