Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i think my cat just said my name.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
