I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
