failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
