The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
