did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
