apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
