If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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