He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
