i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
