Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Randomize
