I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
