I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
