I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
