"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
