This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
