love makes seman taste better
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize