I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need a hoe opinion
go on
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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