so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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