I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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