Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
