defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
