I feel like abortions should bother me more
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
