Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
