he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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