im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Text me some of your sweat
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
