She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
