and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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