There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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