I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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