i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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