So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
