I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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