he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
