: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
