She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
