Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
