I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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