He felt like a one man threesome
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
