I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
