You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
