Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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