I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
