nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
